What I Would Tell Parents Before They Sign Their Children Up For Music Lessons

My parents got me into piano lessons at the age of 5, after I had already successfully taught myself several melodies by ear without guidance. I have thoughts to offer the invested parent who is concerned for their child's development or future opportunities and recognizes the value in studying an instrument.

I am one of those lucky individuals that found music at a young age, fell in love with it over and over again in spite of mismatched teachers & competitive frenemies, and even beat the burn-out of college academics to graduate with a Jazz Studies Degree.

Admittedly, I began my university studies with a bit of a "screw it," attitude (as I was unhappy with my school placement) and in the back of my mind I genuinely considered that I was actually setting myself up for guaranteed unemployment with a jazz degree. I just knew I liked to sing and play the piano, and that path seemed the most friendly as a means to an end. (What end? We're still figuring that out.)

me age 14, at a recital in '08.

A common topic of conversation among new colleagues is the Origin Story ("How did you get into this field?") and anecdotally, I can report about a 50/50 split between cases where a person pursued music to the chagrin of their parents and cases where the parents gave their wholehearted blessing. It would be interesting to conduct a wider survey and see what percentage of people are successfully dissuaded to pursue music as a result of the lack of parental blessing...but I digress.

I've only had about three dozen students over the course of 8 years (which is not many!) and never more than 8-10 at a time during a single season. My strengths may lend themselves to one-on-one teaching but my passion is definitely in the live performance and creative act of discovering or writing new songs.

That being said, there is nothing more wholesome and thrilling than seeing the light turn on in someone's eyes after coaching them through a vocal passage or exercise whereupon they realize: "I didn't know I could do that!" That second hand thrill of self-discovery is the meat of a fulfilling teaching experience.

I've had children as young as 3 in my studio, and adults as old as 73. The former was there because their parent insisted on them "learning" piano (hard sell to call babysitting a distracted toddler with a 5 minute attention span "learning") and the latter was there out of an interest in sustained vocal health. I'd say both were equally challenging to coach...the common denominator being unrealistic expectations regarding pace of results, an inability to chill out.

For parents that are considering signing their children up for music lessons at a very young age, like 3, I have some advice to help you consider when is too early.

Because the bottom line is, it is truly never too late. Most of my colleagues did not start advance training on their instrument at 5 like I did, they were around 12-15 years old before things really clicked and their study was fruitful. I think this is telling.

Children are meant to play.

My concern for children whose parents buckle them down into learning an instrument as soon as they can walk or speak is that they are drilling the curiosity out of their baby. Rather than explore a free frontier with no rules, no boundaries, no errors or wrong notes, they are held fast to a bumper lane right out the gate of "dos & don'ts" "hows and won't's" that forever affects their concept of self-expression - and to be a successful businessperson (which most people do NOT take into account that they must also study when they embark upon a music career) or just to simply stick it out when the going gets tough, requires a deep, deep conviction of self-assurance and belief in one's self worth beyond "correct" performance.

By treating the instrument as an object of delight and adventure, like a beloved toy, you can steward a warmth towards the act of exploring music early and lighten the burden of trial-and-error by removing infraction if perfection within a certain timeframe isn't achieved. A 3 year old doesn't need to be held captive to a piano bench because you insist on them learning Chopsticks.

The earliest impression of how adults perceive a child's musical exploration will be ingrained into their psyche with a lifetime's worth of repercussions - either "My father was thrilled at the smallest thing I played," or "I would get in trouble if I didn't practice every day."

I will share my testimony of how my own upbringing affected my relationship with music at the end of my spiel of advice...

Forcing a music educator to act as a babysitter is an insult.

Now - if that professional is in the declared business "children as young as 2 or 3 or 5" obviously this does not apply. I have taught early-childhood music classes that are designed to be free from negative repercussions and entirely in the framework of free play (back to my first point!)

But if you think that a teacher is going to have more significant advantage over holding your child's focus than YOU do, you are mistaken. Children are driven to perform typically out of a deep relationship to the adult that is encouraging some behavior - they are compelled to please. We are all born parent-pleasers.

I have sat through 30 minutes of a 3 year old who couldn't sit still at the piano, kept adjusting his seat from on his bum to legs dangling over the bench, and could not be coaxed to repeat the same exercise twice in a row. How in the world that mother would actually get around to reinforcing the things we covered in that half hour time on her own energy baffled me - and the fact that he made no progress in the short time I worked with him was proof. She expected progress - I was just trying to keep him entertained (in a jailed sense.)

The expectation of parents to have their 2/3 year olds show linear growth is a inhibitor to a professional whose even willing to entertain one on one time with a toddler. Helicopter moms waiting outside of studio rooms nervous about their child's comprehension...cringe.

Honestly, unless that child shows remarkable aptitude and self-motivation, 5 is still too young. If a child has been conditioned to see the instrument as a chore and not an arena of play, the battle for technical advancement on the instrument will be an uphill battle. When they're 5 and they'd rather be outside, and they didn't touch the piano all week without a fuss from mommy, that is a sign it is too early.

There is no such thing as starting too late.

Mom or dad, I'm going to level with you. What's really your MO for wanting your 2 year old to play William Tell on the piano? What it it took them until they were 7, or 10? How would that negatively affect them? Or you?

If you are actually thinking of an answer, and it has anything to do with their educational potential, career advancement, or peer comparison, your values are wonky.

If your motivation for signing your child up for lessons is to ‘get ahead’ of an imagined pool of superior peers, you’re setting them up for an inferiority complex—something already commonly encouraged in an environment of constant critique and evaluation. Why add to that? You're supposed to be home.

If "getting ahead" is your motivation for them, I can imagine you are driven by similar motivations, and if that hasn't proven fruitless yet, it's just a matter of time.

I have been outperformed in every capacity by adults whose passions for music didn't hit them until they were 15, or already enrolled in college for one instrument and switched to an entirely different instrument halfway through, or kept it up as a hobby until their kids were out of school and then launched into full time with gusto.

Bottom line - if your young child is naturally curious, let them explore until they've sat still at the instrument for a half hour entirely on their own accord. If they haven't achieved that level of focus and self-control yet, you are messing with their natural friendship to this delicate partner that is the Self reflected behind an instrument.

Now as for me, I am entirely grateful to my parents for the way they set me up for a healthy relationship with the piano, as they did their best. Part of their motivation was regret, and I'll explain why.

I was already sitting through my own lengthy play sessions before they signed me up at 5, and somewhere within that first year I started to view it as a laborious chore. Around 6 & 1/2 I even started to complain that I wanted to quit the instrument. I can recall being discouraged by how difficult it was becoming to master certain songs, because frankly, they BORED me.

I was pretty frank about my apathy and my parents were understanding - I don't remember how many conversations were had around the subject, but one in particular stands out: "Chloe, I gave up on piano because I started to get bored too, and I regret not sticking through. I've forgotten so much. If you can just push through a little longer, I bet it will start to feel fun again, and you will get to play more of what you want."

The idea of regret being something to avoid was enough to get me through the hump, and sure enough, I became so engrossed in piano that the opposite problem emerged - I would be asked to please stop because it had been so many hours & "your sister is already in bed."

Now am I a prodigy? Heck no. I have played for 25 years and really can only claim that I can pick out pretty much any song by ear and sing to it - because that was where my passion originally lied, and that is where it remained rooted as I rediscovered what made me begin exploring the piano to begin with (after 10 years of lessons on and off.) I had to get through all the academic rigor and forced repertoire to come back to center of - I am a songwriter, I play piano and sing. Not many people have the focus to do that, I naturally do, so thank you God that is my domain.

Career musicians will only excel with an ability to read music, arrange charts for multiple ensembles, pick up multiple instruments, and lead groups, however - if the child within is introduced to the instrument with a sense of force and drudgery, they will deal with darker issues of self-esteem and identity crisis that this profession encourages. What keeps an individual resistant to it is an relationship based in play & gratitude towards their instrument.

If there's any inferiority/superiority complex they become a jazzhole or a classical snob and those people are nauseating, believe you me. Just don't turn your kid into one, ok?

If a child's most defined sense of self-worth is the reaction they get from the world through their instrument, I guarantee you, it will create a lopsided relationship with actual humans, and I would argue that humans are much more valuable than inanimate objects such as pianos and drums.